Life is crazy, I mean really, really crazy!
There is no way I (or anyone) could have planned my life. I used to be the type of person who did try and plan things though. I imagined I would go to school, become a paramedic firefighter, get married, have a house and a few kids and spend the rest of my life involved with those things. Thats what people do, right?
I now find myself split from my husband, Irish, a man I have been with since I was 21 (over 10 years). We had planned to ride our motorcycles from Ireland to South Africa (like any normal couple) but in the process grew farther and farther apart. The news of the brake up took many people by surprise; to them we seemed so happy and strong. Both him and I knew differently though. I never liked to talk to family or friends about the bad times, Irish was/is a good man, and I wanted anything bad that happened between us to stay just between us. I did not want others to tell me he was bad for me, or that I/we deserved better. That has not changed. I do not wish to say or write bad things about Irish, he is a good man, just not for me. With my heart broken too many times and knowing that we brought the worst out in each other, it is time to be strong and move on.
Braking up with him was the hardest thing I've ever done. What would I do? I am not ready to end this journey I am on, but am I strong enough to continue? I love to ride my motorcycle, but I must admit it is a bit much for me at times. What if I drop it (which I'm known to do)? what if it brakes down? what about the gear (tools, tent ...) that is shared between us? what about safety? what about missing the only man I've ever really known? These are a lot of what ifs, but the broken record that was our marriage finally became too much to bare.
Once I gained the strength and courage, the choice was made and everything else just fell into place. I am now in Israel staying with a good friend, Shalom, who I first met in Slovenia. I am working two part time jobs, a cafe and a small B&B. The time I have now is invaluable. Nothing is forced, I'm trying to be open to new things and discover the person I am, a person that has been hidden for some time, trying to be what someone else wanted me to be.
In the time that I've spent with Shalom we have discovered the lightness and easiness that love can be. I know that both our friends and family are a little concerned about our choices, but I am learning to silence the voices of others and listen to what is in me. We plan to ride our motorcycles to Mongolia starting in the middle of March. I am ready to be on the move again, on my own or with a partner. I feel strong and more confident in my skills, but traveling with Shalom feels even more right. So the plan is no plan except to be open to where life takes me and not to force it just to be with someone.
